I Wish I’d Met You Earlier

developing dad

‘If I could change anything I’d go back in time and meet you earlier so I would have more time with you.’

imageOf course for that to work I’d actually have to go further back than you might think. I’d have to go back to the relationships before I met you, to the therapies and jobs and life lessons and various family functions when I festered with free floating rage and self loathing. The feelings that led me to some of the terrible decisions I made that left me looking for you in my early 30’s via the internet, wasting one Saturday night after another with the wrong people engaged in the same search. And of course you’d have to go back and relive all you’d lived to get back to the same place at the same time. In the end even that wouldn’t give us so much as a…

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The Village Needs to Get in Touch (a #1000Speak post)

Absolutely beautiful


I know you’ve been dying to hear about my Murica trip, and what better place to begin than here, with #1000Speak, and this month’s topic of LOVE? For it was love which inspired the trip and started it going; love which sustained it and kept me going; and love which was the central theme of the whole thing. I use the term ‘hardwired heart’ to express that although everything had occurred in the World Between the Wires (until then), the love is real and true and vibrant. And it really is.

It’s also a bit touchy-feely, and that’s what I’m writing about today.

Hardwired Heart

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Dearest Mommy

20090911-IMG_8683-Edit copy

Choices is what life is all about. We make choices from the moment we wake up till the moment we go to sleep. Sometimes they are little ones and before we know it years have gone by, and what started as little choices turn into huge regrets that you can never take back. That’s the problem with bad choices; you have to live with the wreckage.

I personally still deal with my own wreckage from the bad choices I made many years ago. I’m lucky enough to have  the chance to atone for my terrible decisions I made so long ago. Recently I have had to watch a person who means the world to me slip back into that awful cycle of drug abuse and it’s all I can do to not go running and try to save them. The truth is you can’t save someone from themselves.
It all goes…

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Handle with Care

developing dad

I sometimes take a picture of you because you’re just so adorable and amazing and beautiful. And sometimes I catch a hint of fragility in what the camera catches. Other times I see huge heaping mounds of it. Giant reserves of delicate. Like you’re a crystal chandelier in the shape of my beautiful boy. And then, in my minds eye, I see all the thousand ways you’ll be disappointed by the realities of life you can’t even fathom at this point. Sculpted from this thing of beauty into another thing of beauty to be sure. But still, that journey is treacherous and full of potential. Potential harm. Potential fortune. Potential damage and grace.

Maybe it’s you. Maybe I’m not just a proud dad that’s just insanely obsessed with my kids. Maybe your specialness, your perfectness is not a function of my pride. Perhaps you are magical and I’m afraid of…

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A Letter To The Man I Lost, On His 47th Birthday

Hands And Heart Full: The Adventure Of A Lifetime

Dear Ken,

You would have been 47 today.

Your last birthday on earth, your 43rd, I made you a football cake. (Of course) You got handmade cards from the boys. Despite our minimal funds, I did my best to make your birthday special for you. Because you were special to us. Very much so.

Even now, four years later, I have moments I struggle with feelings of guilt. For failing you. For the fact you died alone. I was home with the kids and it is highly unlikely I would have ever been with you by the river on that freezing winters day but still….I blame myself for not being there. And for the fact I didn’t put my foot down, didn’t insist you get the help you so desperately needed to help you quit drinking. I mean, I TRIED to,  but I always faltered and relented when I tried…

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There will be many
Who will love your smile
They will tell you jokes
Just so they can claim it
There will be many
Who will love your eyes
Will want to dive deep
Into the magic they hold
There will be many
Who will love your heart
They will try to mark it
Etch their name deep
Try to brand it, own it
Don’t give them away
To the first bidder
Or the highest
Or the bravest
Or the sweetest
In fact
Let those things shine
On everyone you meet
And wait for the one
Who doesn’t want to take
What is yours to keep

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Dear Mom

My Crazy Little People

I wanted to let you know that autism isn’t because of bad parenting.

We’ve had a lot of ups and downs in our relationship. We’ve said a lot of mean things to each other.

But using Autism as an insult isn’t cool. I saw those comments on Facebook about my parenting, after we moved 2,000 miles away.

The ones where you said that my kids don’t even have Autism… I’m using it as an excuse for lazy parenting. Or if they do, it’s because I let them watch too much TV or it’s a result of being a bad mother. Along with a few other things you were saying to my now Ex-childhood best friend, who also doesn’t care to understand my kids with Autism.

I believe Autism is genetic. Thanks to the boys diagnosis, taking tests online, and talking to other women on the spectrum, I’ve come to identify…

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